Hillbilly Rules of Ettiquette
(I had someone else put these in "proper english.")


Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.

Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a large tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.

Entertaining in yer home

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa..


Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery.

Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your reputation.

At the Movies

Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.


Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Yes, unless you're the groom.

When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.

A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but is also a proven fly deterrent.

For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance.

Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Rules of the Road

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring you back something cold to drink.

Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

General stuff

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

The socially refined never fish coins out of public fountains, especially if other people are around.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

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